letter to pdoc...
dear bipolar friends, this is a letter that i wrote to give to my pdoc. do you think it is strong enough? i am not afraid to shout at this guy so if anyone thinks i should be more demanding please let me know. i need to give it to him tomorrow morning so he has time to read it before my next appointment on monday.
________________
Dr. Di******,
I just found out this afternoon that Cymbalta is available in generic form. I asked you about this months ago and you never commented. You know how much I complain about being in physical discomfort with chronic backaches and headaches and that ongoing and recurring depression is an issue for me. You have never treated me with any anti-depressant other than Wellbutrin, and apparently it has not worked for me.
I fear for my life Doctor and I don't think you realize how volatile my life situations are. If I were a cash paying client would you care more about me helping me get my life together? I am going to turn 48 years old in 26 days. Don't you think that I should be better able to…I dunno, live a real life? Hold a job? Rent an apartment? Work towards completing my education? Make real progress towards writing a book? Have/keep friends? Make new friends? Feel good enough to go for a walk around the block once a day/week? Feel good enough to go to a movie? Read a book to completion? Be able to communicate with family members? Sign up for a college course and complete it?
I did not go to the high school reunion last Saturday night. I did not go to Elliot's saloon on Saturday night either. I'm not sure where I got the inspiration and wherewithal to do what I did but I went to the ashram. I think I felt that I had to get entirely out of the vicinity and find someway to protect myself. And it worked. There was a large crowd at the ashram that night and I was able to disappear into the chanting and meditation. The highlight of the night for me was stopping in the cemetery in Danville on the way home and lighting candles for the people I feel the closest to though. I felt the most at peace and the most amongst friends there. It is really amazing. To get home I had to drive past Elliot's though and I saw that there was an unusually large crowd there. This was around 11pm. I kept my eyes focused on the road. I did not want to feel any more remorse about not being able to participate in the reunion activities that night.
I am fine doing the volunteer work at the library. It is not a social event for me. I go in and do my work, which they really need a lot of assistance with but I do not socialize. In fact, I can go in on any of my days and not even say hello to anyone. I don't need to report to anyone and no one makes any effort to talk to me. I like this because I can just be serious about working. It's kind of sad though too. I don't really expect anything different from it.
Back on the story about the reunion, I figure I've pretty much ruined my last high-school friendship with my "old best friend" Alan. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Now that is two friendships in the past year that I've destroyed. There is one more that is on the rocks now, which is pretty much fried.
I know I've said that I want to live without medications and I really like being on the little or no meds I am on. But I hear about people that use different meds, whose doctors let them try different meds until they find something that works for them. I've been with you for nearly two years now and do you think my condition has improved? Waiting three weeks between appointments and then three more weeks for another appointment before you will consider changing my dosage or consider letting me try a different medication is adding up to me turning into an older man and a more despondent, hopeless believer in a future that holds anything for me. I will end up a suicide one of these sleepless mornings when my faulty reasoning and inability to connect with even one soul burns out my mind and heart.
daryl
________________
Dr. Di******,
I just found out this afternoon that Cymbalta is available in generic form. I asked you about this months ago and you never commented. You know how much I complain about being in physical discomfort with chronic backaches and headaches and that ongoing and recurring depression is an issue for me. You have never treated me with any anti-depressant other than Wellbutrin, and apparently it has not worked for me.
I fear for my life Doctor and I don't think you realize how volatile my life situations are. If I were a cash paying client would you care more about me helping me get my life together? I am going to turn 48 years old in 26 days. Don't you think that I should be better able to…I dunno, live a real life? Hold a job? Rent an apartment? Work towards completing my education? Make real progress towards writing a book? Have/keep friends? Make new friends? Feel good enough to go for a walk around the block once a day/week? Feel good enough to go to a movie? Read a book to completion? Be able to communicate with family members? Sign up for a college course and complete it?
I did not go to the high school reunion last Saturday night. I did not go to Elliot's saloon on Saturday night either. I'm not sure where I got the inspiration and wherewithal to do what I did but I went to the ashram. I think I felt that I had to get entirely out of the vicinity and find someway to protect myself. And it worked. There was a large crowd at the ashram that night and I was able to disappear into the chanting and meditation. The highlight of the night for me was stopping in the cemetery in Danville on the way home and lighting candles for the people I feel the closest to though. I felt the most at peace and the most amongst friends there. It is really amazing. To get home I had to drive past Elliot's though and I saw that there was an unusually large crowd there. This was around 11pm. I kept my eyes focused on the road. I did not want to feel any more remorse about not being able to participate in the reunion activities that night.
I am fine doing the volunteer work at the library. It is not a social event for me. I go in and do my work, which they really need a lot of assistance with but I do not socialize. In fact, I can go in on any of my days and not even say hello to anyone. I don't need to report to anyone and no one makes any effort to talk to me. I like this because I can just be serious about working. It's kind of sad though too. I don't really expect anything different from it.
Back on the story about the reunion, I figure I've pretty much ruined my last high-school friendship with my "old best friend" Alan. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Now that is two friendships in the past year that I've destroyed. There is one more that is on the rocks now, which is pretty much fried.
I know I've said that I want to live without medications and I really like being on the little or no meds I am on. But I hear about people that use different meds, whose doctors let them try different meds until they find something that works for them. I've been with you for nearly two years now and do you think my condition has improved? Waiting three weeks between appointments and then three more weeks for another appointment before you will consider changing my dosage or consider letting me try a different medication is adding up to me turning into an older man and a more despondent, hopeless believer in a future that holds anything for me. I will end up a suicide one of these sleepless mornings when my faulty reasoning and inability to connect with even one soul burns out my mind and heart.
daryl
Comments