ok, ok - i'll write something...
Sometimes I hate the laws of karma that bind me to this reality so much. I hate living in a place that suffers this heat in the summertime so badly too and would gladly pay in slave labor to be able to live in Santa Cruz, or some other affable place near a pleasant seashore that would soothe my body... and my soul. I don't know why I'm not allowed to live in Santa Cruz. When Billy and I became able to live there from 1995 to 1998 it was like we had won a huge lottery, like I had worked my way out of an enormous prison sentence and I was given a liberty to experience freedom from the previous 35 years of junk-karma I had created for myself. Was it the benefits of hard work? Or luck? Or karmic justice? Now I cannot even afford the price of a tank of gas for a day trip to Santa Cruz and my body aches so much from the mental woes and worries my mental disease inflicts me with, I'm afraid that if I got into the 50 degree waters for 30 minutes of body surfing that my muscles would go rigid and I wouldn't be able to make my way back to shore. And when I look at the faces of the people that populate these cities that I am prisoner of I see no one that I could even entice to be a friend. Nor does anyone look to me. No one...
Comments
I am hoping you are able to stay as cool as possible in this unbearable heat. I am wondering if the meds you are on are causing you heat intolerance as mine do. Santa Cruz sounds like your haven. I sure do know the meaning of having a place that is intertwined with your soul. For me it is the Northern Redwood Coast. Up near Crescent City. I miss the beauty of the Smith River, hiking for hours on end in the Jedediah Smith National Forest, meditating on a rocky cliff overlooking the pacific and hearing nothing but the waves crashing and the seagulls above. Is it at all possible for you to make that day trip that you need so much? Possibly with a friend to share the cost? I call it "soul food", and it is something we all get a craving for and it is extremely important for our mental and physical well being as you well know they are both one and the same.
I love your blog and your obvious creativity. I dont have a creative bone in my body lol. What I do have is a whole lot of pent up pain that has been buried since childhood. the balloon is more than full and if I dont start letting it leak out slowly, I will burst. Please dont stop writing.I am glad to have found your blog and am interested in what you have to say. We all learn from each other on this journey since we are all at a different place on the road. :)
I'm glad I found your blog too. Like pained souls are good support for each other. You keep writing too...
I am in the Sacramento Valley. Right on the edge of Sacramento and San Joaquin county in a tiny mayberry-esque town called Galt. (in fact the initials G.A.L.T. stand for Great American Little Town) **shudder* I have spent some time in San Ramon. I used to work for Chevron Corp. at the administrative office when it used to be in Concord. Then it moved to San Ramon and the commute got to be too much as I was in Pittsburg at the time. I have lived all over. Spent quite a few years in Contra Costa county, then moved to the Bay Area, met the woman of my dreams and we went up north to visit my best friend of 15 years at the time over the 4th of July weekend. He had warned us that if we went up there, we wouldnt want to leave. Well, lets just say at the end of the weekend we were sitting in a Denny's and bought a paper and started looking at rentals. Did a rush job just to get a place, put down a deposit, and within a month we were living up there full time. Most beautiful place I have ever seen and the place where I found my true happiness and sense of belonging.The hottest it ever got was 78 during the summer where we were. (rignt on the ocean)Only problem is, there is NO work up there at all unless you get on the 5 year waiting list to work at Pelican Bay prison, or get lucky enough to get a forestry position. My G/f had to cross into Oregon (only 18 miles north of us) in order to find work, and we had a 1 year old little girl.I became a Domestic Goddess. Wages up there are very low, so we eventually had to come back to the Bay Area. It was shortly after this that I went into a serious funk and was (mis)diagnosed with clinical depression. Put on Effexor XR and WHAMO instant mania. Climbing the walls, picking fights with g/f, following her all over the house nagging at her, not sleeping at all for a week at a time, drinking to try to come down (which i had never done). She finally had enough and called an ambulance and took out a restraining order on me. I was sent to Martinez J-ward, where it took them all of 5 minutes to say "your pdoc is a fucking idiot. You dont have depression you are bipolar.His mistake with meds sent you into this state. My stepsister was a paramedic in the area who just happened to come in at that time to bring in a patient and saw my name on the admit list. She came over and assured them I was not a raving lunatic and she would make sure I got to my Pdoc, and they let me go. G/F took her daughter and every thing I had ever owned with the exception of two boxes of clothes and moved away. I havent had any contact with either of them and have no idea where they are. Its been 7 years. So I plugged along and never really got anywhere but backasswards since then and ended up having to move in with family in Galt. Its supposed to be 106 here today. sigh....
Kudos to you if you actually read this entire thing. Try to stay cool
V~
We should carry this conversation on into email...